friends can break your heart too.

Or sisters, or a sister that felt a lot like a friend to you. I feel a pit in my stomach right now because I may have broken up with my sister, at least that’s what it feels like. What could have ended as a difference in opinion went way too far, with old wounds opened and egos bruised – both of ours I’m sure. We have fought before but it hasn’t gotten as salty as it just did, we usually patch things up within the hour or the week. But this time, something is different. It felt a lot like I was being disagreed with for merely being the person that I am. For having opinions, apparently they don’t matter, even the ones that were asked for. Accused of running my mouth unnecessarily when I stood up and spoke for my mum at the time she needed me, for believing in the concept of ‘agree to disagree’ instead of finding an ultimatum, that one person has to always emerge triumphant from an argument. As much as I would like to, I’m not sure if I can speak to her the same as before, when now apparently there is a right thing to say? Or a right time to speak. I can’t help but feel like an oppressed woman in the 1950s being told to know her place and to watch what she says before she speaks.

I absolutely love this girl with all of my heart but there is no way in the world I’m going to conform to what she says I need to be, in order to ensure peace around me, despite people making you feel like you’re lesser. If there’s one thing I cannot stand, it’s being made to feel inferior, UNLESS it’s by people who are legitimately superior to me. Being simply older than me does not mean you know what you’re talking about unless you do, of course. Sigh, this sucks. Maybe it will pass, maybe I will get over it. Maybe I won’t. At this very point in time tho, I feel heartbroken.

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I mean, who doesn’t want to travel?

Disclaimer time! It may sound like it but I’m not trying to be a salty bitch who’s dissing on other people’s lifestyles just because I can’t afford it for myself. Yes I may be living in poverty at the moment but… ONE DAY. (this one’s just a promise to myself because whether I get to see the world or not is not gonna matter to you obviously, hahaha).

In all honesty, I’m really happy for those who get to see the world as often as they can, because I’m certainly in agreement with all of the benefits that come with travelling. Having said that, Wanderlust is an overrated concept today. See, everyone wants to travel. Given some money and a passport, everyone would disappear to wherever they would rather be. The travellers that I truly admire though, especially among millennials, are those who are gainfully employed, tend to the responsibilities that they are obliged to while still making the time and the resources for their trips. I call that adulthood done right. On a sidenote, millennials were born in the years between 1981 and 1996, I just found that out.

Alright back to my point – now I don’t mean to sound petty, if you know me you may know that I’m a firm believer of live & let live. At the same time, if there’s one thing in the world that I absolutely cannot stand, it’s people who look down on other people because they think they’re above everyone else for some reason. Oh and the people who brag about that reason that makes them deserving of a pedestal. God, no. Just. No.

I’ve obviously come across, and I still do sometimes, a couple of people who think they’re sparking some kind of admiration for them in me, when they brag about certain trips they or the people related to them have made. Firstly, Indians seem to have this weird habit of talking up people related to them, I mean even if I may understand talking up yourself (in a parallel universe, perhaps), albeit unasked for, I will never get the concept of bragging on behalf of your children, grandchildren or sisters, uncles, cousins, etc.

Secondly, I hardly ever get envious of people, jealousy is not a trait of mine. I do look up to some people, say for the confidence, self-discipline or undying passion for their goals but I do not feel envious of the way they live or for the things they have. That’s because I believe that being jealous of others is putting yourself down, making yourself inferior to people – it’s not ego, it’s called respecting yourself enough. Seriously, if my boyfriend in the future were to ogle at another girl I would probably sit him down for a damn serious talk on whether he thinks she makes a better match, and if she does then please end things with me immediately, because wasting my time on him would be of my utmost concern, more than debating the ways in which she may be better than I am.

Thirdly (the only point relative to the title, oops), people from certain government organisations get sent to the States for training purposes, because it has the necessary land for resources that this country doesn’t have. Period. I don’t have to listen to you chant the state’s name a million times every time we interact, it’s honestly starting to sound borderline crazy, no offense. *If you happen to know exactly who I’m talking about and would love to spark a fire by telling on me to the people involved, well I guess you can go ahead by all means, because at this point I would love for the person to know how people are feeling hearing all the constant bragging, for his/her own sake.

If you’re a traveller that is either fully or mostly living on your parents’ money, some sort of trust fund kid or got endowed in one way or another then god bless you. Be thankful every day. What you shouldn’t be doing however, is feeling entitled of your opportunities. You didn’t work for it, sure you may revel in all that you have been served on a silver platter so far, but do so in silence. I’ll gladly hit the like button on all your travel pictures and religiously watch your stories just so I can sneak a peek at the places you’re at, but if you’re gonna start on how croissants tasted way better in Paris at that cute little cafe during your al fresco brunch WHILE I’M HAVING A CROISSANT THAT I BOUGHT FROM NTUC, you better get the hell out of my face, because I’m gonna hit yours with that croissant. Okay I won’t, but I’m doing it in my head, just so you know.

On a less aggressive note, let’s all thank technology for how globalised the world is today. Some of us (me, cough) may not be able to purchase a plane ticket as & when, and to exactly the place we want to right now, I sure hope we get there some day soon, but to have access to so many budget airlines, promotional offers and affordable travel packages, we’re by far more advantaged than our parents or grandparents have been.

So, what exactly determines superiority on a social ladder? Heads up, this post is only a rant & does not seek to answer the question.

I was catching up with a friend over lunch yesterday when he brought up something really interesting… alright it may not be as interesting as it may be distressing to the minorities here. Or to the Indians at least, but that’s based on my belief that my opinion is representative of most others’ on the topic. Damn, all these disclaimers. You know what, if you’re in agreement that’s good, if you’re offended then, well that sucks for you.

My friend had gone on an Eastern Europe tour a few weeks ago (that lucky bitch) and had posted a picture on his Insta story one day, with an Australian woman and her mother whom he got acquainted with during the trip. Now, in his own words, my friend does not usually get direct messages from his followers often, but following that update to his story, he got replies from at least 10 different people, all of them being approving and even congratulatory. That got us discussing a little more on people’s inclination towards particular groups of people, and one of his interesting insights on it was related to art. He explained how historical art pieces are valued higher the older they are – a piece that was painted in the 1920s would fetch a higher price than one painted in the 1990s. When I thought about this on the ride home, I wondered the following in my head, whether they make sense or not:

Does that mean that if I were to post a picture with a white person, that picture is considered to be more desirable than when I post a picture with someone of my own race?

Doesn’t it then imply that I am of lesser value myself than the white person in the picture with me?

Should I somehow be deserving of praise just because I manage to ”score” a photograph with a person whose skin is fairer than mine?

What determines these people to be the ”superior race” and what exactly is my advantage, should I decide to exclusively acquaint or forge and maintain relationships with this ”superior race”? 

When I say particular groups of people, speaking from my own interactions and observations as an Indian born in Singapore, the multi-racial country (or so they say), I refer to an extensive favouritism towards the Caucasians and then some for the Chinese, naturally because they’re the majority here. For example, I have had some Indian people ask me, especially when I was a teenager, what race are most of my friends from. I have also heard some stuff like, in boastful tones of voice (yes I have to mention that) ”oh he is a really good boy… his friends are all Chinese too”. Like that second part of the sentence is indicative of the former. If I were that boy, I would be offended.

I realised then that there was this conception among people that if you are Indian and you had more Chinese than Indian friends, you’re doing something right. Also, although I have not heard any one from my own circle tell me this, apparently some Indian men out there only exclusively date non-Indian women. See, I completely understand having your own reasons for the people that you choose to date but if your reasons include beliefs about how Indian women are somehow inferior to women of other races then you belong to an extremely immature, therefore, a despicable class of men. Oh and bring a Caucasian into any of these pictures, the Chinese then have to drop a rank themselves because well, White Supremacy, duh.

Fortunately for me, my circle of friends is a very diverse one. My best of friends are Indian, Chinese and Malays, yeah no kidding. Not to brag (something one says before bragging) but I believe I have done and I’m always doing something right when I’m not only making friends but even while merely interacting with people. I see each person as an individual. My judgments are largely based on the vibes that I get from someone, which pretty much means character. Not how good the person looks or which country they’re from, but the kind of topics they talk about, if they have more bad things to say than the good, if they complain too much, do they keep speaking about other people, do they pass too many remarks on the superficial stuff and does it seem like they’re saying things just to spite you. These are the things about someone that makes me want to walk the opposite direction, when I see him or her again.

Like this wasn’t enough, even one’s choice of holiday destination seems to be classified into ”upper” or ”lower” classes. Earlier this year, one of the closest people to me appeared extremely shallow when she was expressing her intense envy for her brothers who were leaving her out from a vacation in Denmark, because she had just come back from a trip to Phuket herself. She remarked something about her trip being nothing in comparison (bitch had gone on a trip with ME), because Denmark is… well Denmark? Speaking of holidays, I shall save my thoughts on the currently overrated concept of Wanderlust in my next post.

If you segregate your friends or judge people around you solely based on their race, skin colour, what country they’re from or what continents they have visited on holidays, you need to grow the hell up and away from the herd mentality, it’s about time you developed some morals of your own, for god’s sake.

If only I could insert the poop emoji here.

Greetings fellow earthlings, I’m back after being preoccupied with assignments, getting through the term, visiting Chennai again within less than a year (thankful), and of course burning them calories.

On a more serious note about the trip, I’m thankful because I remember a time when my mum used to constantly be doing wishful thinking about visiting India, especially the temples. Early last year when things were low within the family I didn’t even think we would make it for the trip that we went on in 2017, let alone a second one within less than a year and that too with the family. I’m super thankful for the (pretty much) pilgrimage that we went on last year because of the great vibes we were blessed with. Things with the family has taken a 360 turn for the better and my mum is in a much much better place now than she had been since 2015. On a side note, as fun as this trip was, all we did was eat, shop, shop… shop, eat and sleep. So yeah it clearly wasn’t a second pilgrimage. I think I’m done with seeing India for now, or at least Tamilnadu, there is so much more of India that I want to see.

The accountability thing I did on Instagram during my term break in April was successful as heck. I lost track of the number of weeks and went for a couple days in between without having to necessarily update my story after a work out. And that, I believe is pretty indicative of how successful it was. So I’ve been thinking, now that I have sweat sessions as one of my favourite past times to turn to, I’m hoping to cultivate some good habits this time. Particularly productive mornings. I’ve always been a morning person, I mean I’m an afternoon and night person too (I’m actually a people person, so long I’m surrounded by people my energy level stays pretty high) but as early as I wake up, I don’t seem to do much, especially when i don’t have to. I think I lost you halfway there, because I’ve lost myself. Dammit.

Basically, I’ve been reading stuff on how a productive morning can be among the best habits one could have, so I’ve decided on devoting this term break of 3 weeks to cultivating that habit. And because social media has been so helpful in terms of accountability, I’m turning to it again, although this time not in front of an audience. Sure, I’ve fallen off the wagon a couple times but I’ve come to realise that I’d much rather get up and climb the wagon over and over again than stay off it.

I’m ranting.

Yet something else about myself that I’m not sure is a boon or a bane. I was never a competitive child and I sure as hell haven’t grown up to be a competitive person. Come to think of it (especially on days when I’m contemplating my existence) it’s not really a good thing. I mean, I don’t exactly think I’m disadvantaged or anything but I’m pretty sure I could have grown up to be more skillful in certain things if I had been at least a little healthily competitive as a kid. I think it’s also got to do with my upbringing a little. Although I definitely do not mean it in an accusatory way, my mum may not have put enough pressure on us. In her defense though, she probably didn’t have the time or energy considering she was dealing with the aftermath of being left alone with 2 children to feed. God… I thought I only sidetracked when conversing with people, but on a blog too?!

Anyways, growing up is great. As much as I am not prepared to be an adult yet, one of the many blissful realisations that has come with (my) adulthood is that, put in “layman” terms – ain’t nobody got time for comparisons and shit. Really. I am well aware that I’m not on a completely conventional path, and at this very moment I’m okay with that.

Alright, I realise this started off way more intense than it ended, that’s because I started drafting this a couple weeks ago when I was pissed off by some people’s remarks. Right now, meh I cannot be bothered, I’ve got things to do for myself. Ciao!

Losing It: one day at a time.

2 weeks late with an update but man it’s been going great. They are right, sweating it out not only benefits your body in terms of how it looks or all the internal stuff, it does good for you all around – in terms of mental health and adjusting your outlook on basically everything else in life too. And you don’t even need to be as good at it as an athlete, being a beginner is perfectly fine, going slow until you pick up pace is perfectly fine.

Week 3
16 – 22 April

Week 4
23 – 29 April

 

Then I only managed 2 days in week 5 so I declared it as break week for me. Because I can do whatever I want, heh. Anyways, yet another term begins next week on Wednesday and this time I’m actually looking forward to it. Ciao.

“temporary court order issued to prohibit an individual from approaching a specified person”.

Yes I have changed. A lot can happen in a year, a lot more in 5. I won’t ask anyone else to vouch for me because I can say for a fact how much I’ve grown in the past few years. You know it best, whether or not you’re happy with the person you have become / becoming, there is no one else who can identify the change faster than you do. You also definitely don’t need your entire life shaken up or uprooted for you to go through a change.

I completely understand that there are people in the world who go through worse things and probably on a daily basis but let’s be practical; don’t you find yourself a little insulted when you’re sharing stuff with a friend and the friend goes all there-are-people-starving-in-Ethiopia on you? For your information, dropping this line doesn’t make you compassionate and secondly, I am not an oblivious person (ask  my mum). Aren’t we all fighting our own battles, though? What might be a molehill for you, may be a mountain for me, or vice versa.

I have always been headstrong, most of my headstrong years being around 15/16, when I was also ignorant of perspectives and unnecessarily prioritised my ego. I was also impatient and liked to beat around bushes, although I was mostly confident (as established in previous posts… bear with me come on, this is a different context and I love giving  backgrounds too much) I secretly was not. Seriously, I spent a couple years fighting a battle with myself in my head. Did I believe in this? I dunno, would I be wrong to? Screw it I know I’m right. Then you grow up. I saw for myself if the things I believed in are right or wrong. I also realised that things are not merely in black & white, that there are grey areas too. I learnt that there are more perspectives than my own, and not to get caught up with myself so much that I’m ignorant to everything else…

Until I get hella tipsy after a couple glasses of wine. Then scratch everything I just said, because apparently I turn into a potential candidate for a restraining order. For either harassing you out of hate or affection. There really is no in between.