If only I could insert the poop emoji here.

Greetings fellow earthlings, I’m back after being preoccupied with assignments, getting through the term, visiting Chennai again within less than a year (thankful), and of course burning them calories.

On a more serious note about the trip, I’m thankful because I remember a time when my mum used to constantly be doing wishful thinking about visiting India, especially the temples. Early last year when things were low within the family I didn’t even think we would make it for the trip that we went on in 2017, let alone a second one within less than a year and that too with the family. I’m super thankful for the (pretty much) pilgrimage that we went on last year because of the great vibes we were blessed with. Things with the family has taken a 360 turn for the better and my mum is in a much much better place now than she had been since 2015. On a side note, as fun as this trip was, all we did was eat, shop, shop… shop, eat and sleep. So yeah it clearly wasn’t a second pilgrimage. I think I’m done with seeing India for now, or at least Tamilnadu, there is so much more of India that I want to see.

The accountability thing I did on Instagram during my term break in April was successful as heck. I lost track of the number of weeks and went for a couple days in between without having to necessarily update my story after a work out. And that, I believe is pretty indicative of how successful it was. So I’ve been thinking, now that I have sweat sessions as one of my favourite past times to turn to, I’m hoping to cultivate some good habits this time. Particularly productive mornings. I’ve always been a morning person, I mean I’m an afternoon and night person too (I’m actually a people person, so long I’m surrounded by people my energy level stays pretty high) but as early as I wake up, I don’t seem to do much, especially when i don’t have to. I think I lost you halfway there, because I’ve lost myself. Dammit.

Basically, I’ve been reading stuff on how a productive morning can be among the best habits one could have, so I’ve decided on devoting this term break of 3 weeks to cultivating that habit. And because social media has been so helpful in terms of accountability, I’m turning to it again, although this time not in front of an audience. Sure, I’ve fallen off the wagon a couple times but I’ve come to realise that I’d much rather get up and climb the wagon over and over again than stay off it.

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I’m ranting.

Yet something else about myself that I’m not sure is a boon or a bane. I was never a competitive child and I sure as hell haven’t grown up to be a competitive person. Come to think of it (especially on days when I’m contemplating my existence) it’s not really a good thing. I mean, I don’t exactly think I’m disadvantaged or anything but I’m pretty sure I could have grown up to be more skillful in certain things if I had been at least a little healthily competitive as a kid. I think it’s also got to do with my upbringing a little. Although I definitely do not mean it in an accusatory way, my mum may not have put enough pressure on us. In her defense though, she probably didn’t have the time or energy considering she was dealing with the aftermath of being left alone with 2 children to feed. God… I thought I only sidetracked when conversing with people, but on a blog too?!

Anyways, growing up is great. As much as I am not prepared to be an adult yet, one of the many blissful realisations that has come with (my) adulthood is that, put in “layman” terms – ain’t nobody got time for comparisons and shit. Really. I am well aware that I’m not on a completely conventional path, and at this very moment I’m okay with that.

Alright, I realise this started off way more intense than it ended, that’s because I started drafting this a couple weeks ago when I was pissed off by some people’s remarks. Right now, meh I cannot be bothered, I’ve got things to do for myself. Ciao!

Losing It: one day at a time.

2 weeks late with an update but man it’s been going great. They are right, sweating it out not only benefits your body in terms of how it looks or all the internal stuff, it does good for you all around – in terms of mental health and adjusting your outlook on basically everything else in life too. And you don’t even need to be as good at it as an athlete, being a beginner is perfectly fine, going slow until you pick up pace is perfectly fine.

Week 3
16 – 22 April

Week 4
23 – 29 April

 

Then I only managed 2 days in week 5 so I declared it as break week for me. Because I can do whatever I want, heh. Anyways, yet another term begins next week on Wednesday and this time I’m actually looking forward to it. Ciao.

“temporary court order issued to prohibit an individual from approaching a specified person”.

Yes I have changed. A lot can happen in a year, a lot more in 5. I won’t ask anyone else to vouch for me because I can say for a fact how much I’ve grown in the past few years. You know it best, whether or not you’re happy with the person you have become / becoming, there is no one else who can identify the change faster than you do. You also definitely don’t need your entire life shaken up or uprooted for you to go through a change.

I completely understand that there are people in the world who go through worse things and probably on a daily basis but let’s be practical; don’t you find yourself a little insulted when you’re sharing stuff with a friend and the friend goes all there-are-people-starving-in-Ethiopia on you? For your information, dropping this line doesn’t make you compassionate and secondly, I am not an oblivious person (ask  my mum). Aren’t we all fighting our own battles, though? What might be a molehill for you, may be a mountain for me, or vice versa.

I have always been headstrong, most of my headstrong years being around 15/16, when I was also ignorant of perspectives and unnecessarily prioritised my ego. I was also impatient and liked to beat around bushes, although I was mostly confident (as established in previous posts… bear with me come on, this is a different context and I love giving  backgrounds too much) I secretly was not. Seriously, I spent a couple years fighting a battle with myself in my head. Did I believe in this? I dunno, would I be wrong to? Screw it I know I’m right. Then you grow up. I saw for myself if the things I believed in are right or wrong. I also realised that things are not merely in black & white, that there are grey areas too. I learnt that there are more perspectives than my own, and not to get caught up with myself so much that I’m ignorant to everything else…

Until I get hella tipsy after a couple glasses of wine. Then scratch everything I just said, because apparently I turn into a potential candidate for a restraining order. For either harassing you out of hate or affection. There really is no in between.

“Hot and Romantic” just doesn’t cut it.

Alright this is the third time I’m writing the  first sentence to this post and it will be the last. It’s so difficult to be all vague and concealing details when the reason for this blog in the first place, was so I can get things out of my head. It’s also a tad weird to be aware that anyone could be reading this, if you’re one of my homies you probably know how my life is running at the moment so this must be boring the hell out of you and if you’re not, well I hope you have been at least a little bit entertained (who am i kidding) by the time you’re done reading this. And if you’re family, well…. shit’s got a little awkward. #BeingSomewhatIndian

I bet it’s not just me, there must be a ton of single girls out there who have a hard time comprehending their own taste in men. It’s just really weird how it’s the same logic – that you either don’t feel it at all or you don’t feel as much for someone – but it feels completely different to be saying it than to hear someone else say it to you. Get what I mean? You could have been going on a long string of dates and meeting people while not being completely willing to feel more. Then you meet someone, you may not have bonded that much or talked a lot, or this person could possibly not have given one damn about you and sure, you can’t put a finger on what exactly it may have been but you feel like you can indeed connect with another person, after all. Or at least a tiny bit of it for starters… Only to not have the other person feeling the same. Naturally after that, you feel inadequate and that may or may not affect your self-esteem. I think this is totally dependent on other factors in your life at that very moment. If you’re doing pretty well holistically then your self-esteem is well protected, yay.

If you’ve been blessed with the capability of getting over stuff in life in a matter of so-called minutes, that I believe I have, then life goes on and someone else eventually comes along. This person may seem completely invested in you, willing to take things seriously with you and believes wholeheartedly that he feels a chemistry between you both. And the whole time he’s claiming these things, your mind’s repetitively going “yeah, right”. Only then do you accept that it’s nothing to do with you, people are simply looking for different things.

So, now it’s your turn to drop a couple liners that basically mean “I don’t feel the same way”. Or accidentally blurting out that he’s not the kind of guy you see yourself being with. Which is a great idea for straightforward people who can’t seem to fake your feelings, until you have to answer to follow-up questions like “so, what is your type anyway?”

I fake-laughed and told him I don’t have a checklist. But in my mind I could easily point out the things I saw in him that I didn’t want, and things I didn’t see that I do want in someone I see myself long-term with. The fact that I didn’t bother being straight up with him told me so much about my feelings for him (or lack thereof), that he seems to be trying (way too hard if you ask me), to make me “realise”. See, why I wanted to pen these down is because last evening held a moment of several self-realisations about my idea of something that I do not usually like to talk about… Just kidding, my main bitches probably have heard my rants on loop a hundred times now. I love you babies.

Some other things that were running on my mind right then:

  • Being “hot and romantic” just doesn’t cut it for me. My idea of romance is with someone I don’t have to fake-laugh with 3/5 times within one date. Some people don’t get this, but I think a sense of humour is extremely important to me, because as short tempered as I may be, I need to be able to joke about either his or my own stupidity after the 5 minutes of my rage, are over. Romance is when you actually feel completely comfortable with another person, and being comfortable is to be able to show them all of your shades without worry.
  • Effort matters a huge deal, but when most of your efforts are directed towards giving me a new perspective on something, it’s also called manipulation, dammit. If you knew me at all though, I’m pretty damn set on what I believe in and don’t so really your words are falling on deaf ears (as interested as I may pretend to be).
  • Some people claim they want to get to know you, they ask you something and before you even get to it they forget what they even asked you about. These people are self-conceited, in my opinion. I’d much rather respect guys who don’t fake about their caring for you, than the ones who go out of their way to make you think they do.
  • There is a huge difference between chemistry and biology. Just saying.
  • Your gut is pretty damn accurate and it’s really not that hard to be able to immediately identify the things you won’t want to put up with in the long run. So long you’re not blinded by physical attraction or by the voices in your head that think you may possibly have some major trust issues going on.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Non-consensual sex is rape. Period.

There is indeed no justification for rape. A woman, or as heartbreaking as it is to say it, a little girl, could be walking down the street with minimal clothes and it still doesn’t give any one a reason to rape her. Or if she’s drunk – and yes a woman can be drunk if she chooses to get drunk, if you think I’m encouraging “immoral” behaviour, go and die. She can still say no when she’s drunk, and being intoxicated doesn’t make her lack of consent invalid. Watch the movie, Pink. Adding on, being drunk is most definitely not a justification to rape either.

I know many women who, for one reason or another would disagree with me, but in my own opinion there is no such thing as “asking for it”. Unless I come up to you myself and ask you to get frisky with me because I’m feeling it, there’s no way you’re invited. If you’re a man and you would like to disagree with this statement, go and die.
Your argument is invalid, you’re in no place to join this discussion.

When it comes to India and its substandard societal norms however, there are unfortunately countless more factors that they bring up for discussion, than are actually necessary. This one incident for example, which has now become a racial debate. Oh and the fact that the little girl was raped in a temple… Like, who the fuck cares?!

Don’t tell me the temple got tainted. I honestly couldn’t care less if the Gods have been “offended” by having made audience. I don’t care if according to some weird logic the whole village now has to pay a price to “calm the Gods down”. I don’t know where on earth Indians got these stupid, baseless ideas from, really.

If a God punishes an entire village for the sole reason of the temple having made venue for rape, instead of punishing the culprits or being mad for having let the crime happen in the first place, such a God does not and should not exist.

I don’t care if I’m offending the Gods right now but trust me when I say it,
I am first a human being, before I’m Hindu.

Race doesn’t matter;
where the rape happened doesn’t matter;
whether the girl was drunk doesn’t matter;
or the guy was drunk, it doesn’t fucking matter;
if the girl was in a tight minidress or clad in saree, it doesn’t matter.

Non-consensual sex is rape. Period.

I’ve always admired confident people and aspired to be one myself. Now, I wouldn’t exactly have called myself timid for most of my pre-adult years, but I feel that since lately, I’ve begun to understand what it truly means to be confident.

As cliche as it sounds, it is, in fact, about feeling comfortable in not only your own skin but being secure with knowing exactly who you are and what your path is. I personally do not believe confidence is about walking into a room, feeling like you own everything / everyone and making only your point known before you walk out of there. It is as important to make the people around you feel as comfortable with you, as you do with yourself.

For the record, I have had and I still do have my insecurities. The trick lies in not revealing it to anyone (your closest confidants excluded, of course).

Fake it till you make it.
Heaven knows I haven’t made it (see what I did there), although I have to give myself some credit, for having come a long way.